Thursday, March 8, 2012

pooping: a luxury I don't have

Prior to having Parker, there were things I used to be able to do without having to do them lightning-quick or with a person attached to me.

One of these things is pooping. And eating...among other luxuries.

Let me describe to you Tim's bathroom habits. He poops at least twice a day while at home. I have no idea how many times he goes at work, but the man has overactive bowels. When he goes at home after he works, he takes his iPad and a beer in the bathroom with him and spends 20-30 minutes in the bathroom "pooping" (aka playing some football game on the iPad, or reading, or whatever else men do in the bathroom), in total spa style. Sometimes he will call out, "Babe! Can you bring me another beer?!"

I am making a blog post out of this because it really makes me angry. If you are a normal parent, one who has spent any period of time alone with a baby, you can understand my annoyance.

Let me describe to you how pooping is for me. I have to bring Parker in with me. I stand him up at the bathtub while I quickly lift the lid and sit down so as to block him from exploring the toilet water with his head and hands. At the bathtub he knocks every bath item into the tub. After he does this, he gets bored, so I have to sit him in my lap and read him a story. He's bored. So I put him on the ground, where he cruises to the back of the toilet and tries to stick his hands into the crack between the water reservoir and my ass so he can reach into the toilet water. So now I have to lean back all the way to block his hands. This is not a comfortable or a natural pooping position.

 At some point he makes his way to the cabinets under the sink, which don't have a lock on them. He pulls them open and bangs them shut, OPEN, SHUT, OPEN, SHUT, while his fingers dangle perilously over the top of the doors. So I have to put my hand at the top of the door to block Parker's fingers from being pinched at the top. BANG BANG BANG BANG against my hand. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I think to myself "Damn I really need to put cabinet locks on." Every. Time.

This is the epitome of multitasking. 

And then there's the wiping process. Parker's second favorite thing to eat is toilet paper, so I'm fighting his grabby-hands off while trying to wipe. It's AWFUL.

I've tried to poop only while he naps, but after I have my morning tea I have to quickly. And the caffeine is just too important. So short of stealing Parker's diapers, this is the way it has to be.

Are you wondering why I don't just close the door and lock him out? Perhaps you haven't seen the  separation anxiety video. Also, he manages to hurt himself when left unattended for more than 20 seconds.

Since it's not fair to be mad at Tim for something he is totally ignorant about, the next time Tim yells for me to bring him another beer, I am going to bring him Parker. He has no idea what he's missing out on and what he takes for granted.


  1. In light of TMI hehe this is almost exactly how my daily duties go. Lily usually races me to the bath room as she sees me goin that way and proceeds to race me to the toilet which the lid is usually left up by the girls. In a chance to distract her I give her one of the bath toys while I manage to get onto the toilet. She then insists on trying to put the toy in between my legs to see if she can some how get it into the toilet as she has seen that moments reaction to her and dropping items in the toilet (movies, baby dolls etc) is quite funny . After a 30 sec fight with her she gives up and moves on to the shampoo bottles. Which of course I attempt to reach before she dumps them all over the floor to play in. After I ruin her fun there she aims for the trash can next to me. Trash is a new fetish for her especially since this one has no lid and contains usually some sort of paper. I push it back just in time and then find that it's usually a distraction on her part to get my attention away from what is also Lilys fav, toilet paper. I swear lily would eat a roll a day if the bathroom was left open. We've gotten to the point where we don't put it on the roll just to keep her from reaching it. But then I give in as this looks sloppy. So yes I too fight Lilys lands off the toilet paper and it's a dance while I wipe between the toilet itself and the paper. And then comes to wash my hands and she sees the perfect opportunity to get right in there only to be found screaming as I drag her out of the bathroom and shut the door. Zac doesn't have this battle. He brings his android phone in there and plays games too. I'm sure if I kept beer in the house he would be asking for a beer next lol. I've timed him a few times... Longest??? 47 minutes and the only noises I hear were the sounds of the funny videos he was watching and him laughing. Must be nice :-)

    1. I need an edit button lol. Moments should be "mommy's" and lands should be "hands"

    2. so hysterical!!! We keep the tp off the roller holder also just for the same reasons. Now that you mention it, I forgot to wash my hands today after our bathroom incident. There was a time in my life where I would have thought this was gross.

  2. can we talk about how I misused the word "board" for "bored." wow.

  3. OMG. Woman, you better bring your hubby the baby when he's on the can the next time. SERIOUSLY? He asks you to bring him another beer? I mean, I'm getting all Judgy McJudgekins right now, but sheesh. If he gets to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom then you get to spend 30 minutes doing something personal when he's home. It's only fair!