Sunday, March 25, 2012

Occam's razor burn

I know a lot about my husband's toileting routines. I know that he is almost 30 and uses Axe hair gel (so he can get some "hair action"), that he uses WAY too much face wash, and that he showers in the morning and bathes at night. I also realize that his bowels cannot move properly without the aid of his iPad. One thing I don't know about him is the kind of razor blade refills he uses.

I knew he was out of razors, so when I was at Target I actually remembered he needed them (it's a big deal if I remember to buy anything besides baby stuff) so I went down the shaving aisle. I had no idea which razors he used. I tried calling him but he didn't pick up, and since Parker was causing my arm to feel like it was going to fall off at this point in the shopping trip, I decided to just buy him a pack of disposables. I didn't buy the 0.99 cent Bic ones, I bought ones that I thought were good. They had at least 3 blades. They weren't generic. The aloe strip wasn't microscopic.

I felt like such a good wife since I remembered to pick up razors, even though I knew they weren't the right ones. Tim was very thankful.

The other night, he was shaving with one and was complaining about how bad they were. The thing is, he was practically on his last one...he never told me to get different ones. I just assumed they were fine. After he was done shaving, his neck looked the a cheese grater had attacked him.

Then I had a brilliant idea.

"Here baby, I have some lidocaine gel you can use for your neck."

Lidocaine gel...aka Bikini Zone.

Bikini Zone, in case you aren't familiar, is a gel for use after shaving your bikini area. It has lidocaine in it, so I figured it would be great for Tim's face and would make his irritation feel better. Soooo I squeezed a huge amount into his hand and waited for a blissful look of pain relief to spread across his face.

Apparently the skin on the face and neck is a little more sensitive than the skin of the bikini area (in my defense, you can see how I might have thought the opposite, no?). Tim rubbed all the gel onto his neck and started scream-laughing and fanning his face while jumping up and down. This was like the reaction in Home Alone with the aftershave, except a million times better.

He yells at me, "What did you give me?!?!" So I showed him the Bikini Zone.

Of course, he wasn't exactly happy that I had given him crotch cream for his face, but I was laughing so hard that I didn't care.

We learned a valuable lesson here, and that is not to use Bikini Zone on the face. Apparently it stings. A lot. Apparently it also smells bad (contrary to their advertisement of a "light refreshing scent"). I wouldn't know, since I've never put it near my nose.

I will say that the next day, after the angry red burned-skin look had abated, his face and neck looked smooth and irritation-free. You're welcome, my love.

The sad thing is, I still don't know what kind of razor blades he uses. I never thought this would be in the "need to know" category of wifery.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA This is fantastic!

  2. Great post! Hilarious. Glad this didn't turn into a fight. I cannot even imagine what I would have done had my husband given some just-short-of-battery-acid salve to put on my face. You've got a good man there, lady!