Tuesday, April 3, 2012

my deep, dark secret

I consider myself to be a pretty easy person to read. You can easily tell how my day is going by the look on my face and the tone of my voice. It's nearly impossible for me to lie and therefore I don't have any secrets.

Except for one.

On a daily basis, I think to myself, "How much longer are these cats going to live for?"

It's terrible, I know. Do I feel guilty about this? Sometimes...like when my cats are calmly sleeping next to me (NEXT to me, not ON me) on the couch, or when Parker is literally putting one of their rear, clawed paws in his mouth to bite and the cat still doesn't shred his face open.

Let me tell you when I don't feel guilty wondering about the life expectancy of my boys: when I am cleaning up their vomit on an almost-daily basis, when I am constantly tripping over them, when they feel the need to love-bite me, when my husband's allergies flare up, when Parker is digging in their litter box.....the list could go on and on.

The one that makes me contemplate "accidentally" leaving the back door open or adopting an un-neutered 100 pound pit bull is when they won't come out of Parker's room when I am trying to put him to bed (!!!!!). In moments I am not proud of, I have reached under the guest bed (where they hide) and have pulled them by the tail out from under there.

The thing is, that these cats are, literally, the sweetest two cats in the world. Not by coincidence, they are also the dumbest cats ever. Only with domesticated animals is it actually an evolutionary advantage to be stupid. Because with their stupidity came sweetness.

Is it a good idea to cat-walk out the window onto the 2 inch railing of our 3rd story apartment?


(To be honest I almost had a heart attack coaxing this cat back inside. You should have seen the way he leisurely turned around on that railing...)

Should I eat an entire plastic bag and then vomit it up?

You bet.

Should I paw my clean water and make it dirty within seconds of having the bowl filled up?

That's reasonable. And makes perfect sense...because then I won't drink it and will demand clean water, which I will promptly soil again.

But with all their flaws, we still manage to have moments where I remember that somewhere, deep deep down inside, I love these two pains in my ass.

Oh yeah...and then there's the problem that Parker is obsessed with them.
So weighing all this information, I will continue to put up with these two trouble-makers, and will remember that I love them dearly.

But seriously, how long do cats live for?


  1. I feel the same way about my dog. If my kids didn't love her, she'd be sent to the woods to be eaten by wolves.

  2. Seriously laughed out loud when I read this. I also have two cats whom I love to death but wonder the same thing on a daily basis. Maybe because....THE KITTY decided to start peeing on the carpet RIGHT NEXT to the litter box, which enraged me to rip all the carpet out of my basement (which got me hardwood floors down there, that I love BTW). THE KITTY who vomits constantly and I step in it in my bare feet first thing in the morning when it is still dark. THE KITTY that cost me an $800 emergency kitty dental bill a few years back and now only has four teeth in her head. THE KITTY that has had a heart murmur her entire life, but has never been medicated. THE KITTY that shreds the corner of my furniture so I refuse to buy anything new till they die. THE KITTY that I am severely allergic to, but know that if I gave her up she is such a bitch that the new owner would be returning her withing 48 hours. THE KITTIES that climbs up on my hip every single night when I go to bed and purrs and loves me unconditionally...yes this is why I still love them and why she is still alive and living in my home. But seriously how long can a cat that has 4 teeth and an unmedicated heart murmur live? They are now 12 & 13....and I really want new furniture.

    1. OMG stepping in cat vomit is BY FAR one of life's biggest blood boilers. I'm cracking up at the fact that your cat has 4 teeth and you had to pay for emergency dental work!!!!! You are a better person than I am!

  3. We are such kindred spirits! We have two cats as well. One a big, fat orange tabby who LOVES the kids. Hubby and I "joke" that they only reason they are still alive is their love for the kids. I also contemplate, on a daily basis, driving them to an assisted living home and screeching out of the parking lot. Maybe tomorrow...

    1. haha you know, it's just not fair. The kids love the pets but we have to do all the work (sounds a little like sex...) :)