flying with baby

We have an upcoming trip to see Tim's sister in Dallas, and we are all really excited for the mini vacation. The quickly approaching flight got me thinking about previous flights I've had with Parker (a total of 3...2 of these were by myself) since flying with him is a fairly large source of anxiety for me.

The last trip I took by myself was a few months ago. I was flying home from visiting my family in south Florida and I didn't have a direct flight. Parker was a DISASTER on the first leg of the flight. He didn't sleep at all and fussed a lot. Nothing made him happy...not the bottle, not the pacifier, not me. I knew it was a rough flight because on every other flight I have been on with him, people always came up to me after to tell me how good he was on the flight ("I didn't even know he was on board!"). No one spoke to me after the flight this time, no one even looked in my direction, because everyone was making a beeline to get the hell away from us.

While he was busy being a monster on the plane, I figured one major contributing factor was that he hadn't pooped, at all, in several days. I had some prune juice in the diaper bag with me, and since our layover was fairly long I decided to give him the juice during the layover. I figured I had more than enough time to produce a good bowel movement before boarding.

Mistake #1: having prune juice in the diaper bag
Mistake #2: attempting to "plan" my son's bowel movements
and Mistake #3: assuming the plane would depart on time

So I give Parker the juice and he drinks a couple ounces. I knew the juice would do the trick because, in the past, it only took 0.5 ounce to produce a sufficient poop.

I'm waiting and waiting.

Parker still doesn't sleep.

We have some issue with the terminal that the plane is supposed to board at. So we move to a different one. Flight is delayed, delayed, delayed.

Still waiting.

Not even a fart.

Fine. It didn't work.

We are finally boarding. Woo hoo! Let's get this shit over with.

The plane is 100% full.

We sit down and across the aisle is this very nice woman, about my age, who is baby talking to Parker. She tells me she has a daughter at home that is only a month older than Parker. Her and Parker are super busy being BFF when all of a sudden Parker stops happily bouncing in my lap, squats down, and turns purple. This woman looks up at me and goes "Oh my. That's the biggest poop face I've ever seen."

Somewhat similar to this, except this is a much milder, more G-rated version:

Parker's butt EXPLODES for a good minute. Please God let it stay in the diaper. Please please please.  Everyone around us is actually laughing out loud at the noise that Parker just produced and the smell was ungodly.

Okay so the prune juice worked. At a very inopportune time. The plane was done boarding but was taxiing. How much f-ing longer are we gonna taxi??

I page flight attendant. "Umm, I need to change my son's diaper (obviously). Do I have time to go to the bathroom to do it before we take off?"

"Let me go ask."

By the time she returns I could have changed 10 poop diapers.

She says yes, and escorts us back to the bathroom. When I stand up with Parker I look straight at the ground and awkwardly say "sorry about the smell." The lav had a pull down changing table (BONUS!!).

Moment of truth: will Parker remain clothed for the duration of the flight, or will he be donning only a diaper?

No blow out!! At this point I do a mental victory dance...which lasts all of a few seconds, at which point I realize I have no wipes.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!

I wipe his butt with toilet paper, get it mostly in good shape, throw the diaper in the trash, and book it back to my seat.

The moment my ass hits the seat we get the "cleared for take off" announcement.

Now MY face turns purple. I was the a-hole holding up a plane full of people. To make matters worse, the entire plane smells like 5 days worth of Parker prune poop since it's just sitting in the trash.

The good news is Parker was happy as a clam the rest of the flight. I would be too if I were 3 pounds lighter.

I'll end this post on a point that I never realized prior to having a baby: What do moms (or dads) do when they are the ones who have to pee? I had to pee twice while flying with Parker. The first time this grandmotherly lady sitting next to me offered to hold him while I went. A very small part of me flashed back to that movie "Flightplan" with Jodie Foster, where the little girl disappears on the plane and then no one believes the mother ever had a child with her...but anyway, I quickly dismissed that thought. I had to go.

The other time I had to pee on the plane I ended up taking Parker with me. I don't recommend this...unless you are ambidextrous, have a very small baby, and are wearing sweatpants with no underwear.

Do you have any good flying with children stories?